Anxiety is something that nobody sees externally, yet one can be dealing with all types of demons on the inside. It's something that I have struggled with, especially when I had an eating disorder, it's also something that I have fought against and won the battle with, changing my mindset and working through all those knots and blockages I had stored.
I've had the heart racing, that knot in your stomach you can never get rid of, the weight on your chest as if a sumo wrestler is sat on you, the hand sweats, the racing thoughts, the empty thoughts, the uneasy feeling you just can't shake. It's hideous and I would never wish it upon anybody, many work through their struggles through meditation, exercise, finding something to put their all into - it all helps.
& when I thought I had my shit together, I decided to throw myself back into the ocean, literally, and attempt a surf lesson. But, without even realizing I obviously had not gotten over my previous surf experience & could only envisage myself rolling and gasping for air once again. I sat on my board, shaking, on the verge of tears and only lasting 30 minutes in the water. WHY COULDN'T I DO THIS!?
& I realize it's because I keep jumping, further than I need to jump, why am I so desperate to achieve this, skipping steps, thinking I know best in a sport I have NO idea about - a lesson learnt. A shit your pants kind of lesson. A don't be a dick head kind of lesson. A remove your ego & let somebody with more knowledge guide you, and not guide you by telling you to RUN into crashing waves, fuck that, but somebody who will wade into the water with you, no matter the depth, hold your board, guide you, look you in the eye and hold your hand when needed.
Surfing is terrifying, life can also be terrifying, so if you take anything away from this, find your people to support you, hold your hand, and tell you everything will be alright, your mindset will slowly change, as will you, one pop at a time.
Stay tuned for some hilarious surf stories coming your way...